Shyness is the Problem

From: arandia@panix.com (Joel Arandia)
Newsgroups: alt.support.shyness
Subject: Re: Shyness IS the Problem
Date: 24 Feb 1995 01:43:01 -0500
Message-ID: <3ijv5l$6m0@panix.com>

In <bbyun-2302950320250001@bbyun.oz.net> bbyun@oz.net (Bryan Byun) writes:

>In article <3id65l$bh5@panix.com>, arandia@panix.com (Joel Arandia) wrote:

That is if shyness is keeping you from getting the things you want out of life. If you crave human contact. If you need validation from other people. If you lack a sense of belonging. And shyness is keeping you from being happy. Then, shyness is indeed a problem.

I see your point, but the issue here is, what is it about yourself that you can actually change? Can you change your shyness? No. But you can change the ways in which you deal with the world in order to get what you want. You can change the way you feel about yourself as a result of being shy. You can become less self-critical, more confident, less insecure. And when you get down to practical matters, those things are the real problem. If shyness itself were the problem, you wouldn't see so many successful, happy people who are shy by nature. Those people are shy, but their shyness does not keep them from being happy. Being outgoing would make it easier to be happy, just like being tall would make it easier to play basketball. But the reason you don't see a lot of happy shy people (or short basketball players) is that they don't even let themselves get to that point because they can't get past the basic fact of their nature and attack the parts of their problems that they actually have some control over. If you're short, you can either avoid playing basketball altogether, or you can try harder than the rest and gain the skills and expertise you need to thrive in an environment that is naturally hostile towards the type of person that you are. Shyness is just the card that you're dealt. It's how you play your whole hand that counts. How's that for mixing up as many metaphors as possible into a single paragraph?

I believe that you can change to be whatever you want to be. Shyness is simply a belief that limits the way you interact with other people. Introversion, insecurity, low self-esteem. These are simply aspects of this belief.

Well, here's the news. Nothing is set in stone. If you believe that you are shy, then that belief will effect the way you behave and treat other people.

You can change your behavior so that shyness no longer limits your behavior. You still believe that you are shy, but when you recognize it you don't let it effect your chosen behavior.

OR you can decide to free yourself totally from shyness. Decide that in fact that you are not shy at all. Therefore, shyness doesn't limit your behavior consciously or sub-consciously. Why? Because it really doesn't exist.

Yes, indeed, most people are predisposed to being shy. But, most people don't realize how much control over themselves they really have. Shyness, like most other personality traits, is a choice.

You want a story? Here's my story. I'll spare you the details, but here it is.

For most of my life, I believed I was an ugly, shy introvert. I never had more than one or two friends at a time. My romantic history wouldn't fit in a keyboard buffer.

Then, one day, the woman I was obsessively in love with LJBF'd me. To make matters worse, it turned out that my only (best?) friend was involved with her. Backstabbed and broken-hearted, I broke contact with the both of them. Then I was completely alone.

But, you know what? It turns out that I have PLENTY of friends. Most of whom I neglected over the years, but they were still out there. And the people who I considered only to be acquaintences turned out to be very caring and supportive. I made new friends.

My shyness was really nothing but an illusion. A very strong illusion that ruled me for 25 years. It deprived me of choices I didn't know I had. I can't even begin to count the number of "could've"s that exist in my memory.

I changed my beliefs. I know now that I am not an ugly, shy, introvert. It took me a while, but I've come to realize that I am a handsome, sexy, witty, gregarious, sensitive, fun-to-be-with kind of guy.

I guess, the moral, if there has to be one, is that there really is nothing that limits what you can do. You can be whoever you want to be. Nothing is beyond your reach.(If you still don't think this is true, then simply take some time to act as if it were true. It may be a lie, but it's a damn good and useful lie.)

joel

ps-as for basketball, remember Spud Webb, 1985 NBA Slam Dunk Champion. And only 5'7".