From: timarends@aol.com (Timothy Arends) Newsgroups: alt.support shyness Subject: alt.support shyness FAQ Date: 1998/09/07 Here's the latest version of the alt.support.shyness FAQ __________________________________________________________ From: timarends@aol.com (Timothy Arends) Newsgroups: alt.support shyness Subject: alt.support shyness FAQ Followup-To: poster Summary: This article answers commonly-asked questions about shyness and how to overcome it. Archive-name: alt.support shyness FAQ Posting-Frequency: monthly ==================================== alt.support shyness FAQ ==================================== CONTENTS 1) UNDERSTANDING SHYNESS 1.1) What is shyness? 1.2) What is WRONG with shyness? 1.3) How do "non-shy" people regard the shy person? 1.4) Should I tell people I'm shy? 1.5) Is shyness inborn or something that's learned? 1.6) Is shyness a form of low self-esteem? 1.7) Is shyness a form of selfishness? 1.8) How can I tell if I'm shy? 1.9) What is the difference between shyness and introversion? 1.10) What is the hardest part of shyness to overcome? 1.11) What problems do shy people have on the job? 1.12) I hear a lot about NLP. What is it? 1.13) Does alcohol help shy people "loosen up?" 1.14) Does hypnosis work in overcoming shyness? 1.15) What medications are used in treating shyness? How effective are they? 2) OVERCOMING SHYNESS 2.1) What is the best way to overcome shyness? 2.2) What is visualization? 2.3) How can I become a better conversationalist? 2.4) How do I deepen the conversation? 2.5) How can I make friends? 3) THE DATING GAME 3.1) How can I attract the opposite sex? 3.2) What do I do on a date? 3.3) Discuss events in the news 4) CHILDREN & SHYNESS 4.1) How can I keep my children from becoming shy? 5) QUESTIONS ABOUT ALT.SUPPORT.SHYNESS 5.1) What is this newsgroup all about? 5.2) What percentage of males vs. females post to a.s.s.? 5.3) Why are some concerns of shyness over-represented on this newsgroup and others under-represented? 5.4) How long has alt.support.shyness been in existence? 5.5) What are some of the abbreviations used on alt.support.shyness? 5.6) What is proper "netiquette" for posting to alt.support.shyness? 6) ON THE WEB 6.1) What shyness resources are on the Web? 7) RECOMMENDED READING (BOOKS) What are the best books to read on the subject of shyness? 7.1 Shyness 7.2 Assertiveness 7.3 Job Hunting 7.4 Conversation 7.5 Dating 7.6 General Self-help 1) UNDERSTANDING SHYNESS 1.1) What is shyness? The most basic definition of shyness is "having difficulty in creating a good rapport with the people one meets." For some people, the problem of shyness may simply be having trouble thinking of things to say in social situations. For others, it may involve crippling physical manifestations of uneasiness. For most, shyness involves a combination of both symptoms to a greater or lesser degree. In any event, the effects of shyness can be devastating. Behaviors that come spontaneously for the average person (smiling, thinking of suitable conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture, making good eye-contact, etc.) may simply not be an inherent part of the shy person's makeup. Another problem of shyness is that shy people simply don't know how to act in certain situations. Wrote Dr. Phillip G. Zimbardo, one of the country's foremost authorities on the subject of shyness, "Some don't have the social skills necessary for keeping the machinery of human relationships functioning smoothly. They don't know how to start a conversation or ask for a raise or speak up in class." Thus, there's more to shyness than merely not knowing what to say. The severely shy may find it difficult to do something as simple as smile and say "hello" to someone. If they don't tend to smile easily, they may be afraid to "force" a smile out of the subconscious fear that it will be seen as "phony" by others. Also, if a shy person does not have an easy smile or a ready laugh, he may be viewed as overly serious, even humorless. According to The Single's Almanac by Jeffrey Ullman, (1986, World Almanac Publications,) the first thing women look at in men is the smile and the laugh. (A comparable predisposition is reported in men's judgments of women.) Now let's look at some of the behavioral components of shyness: Anxiety or lack of self-confidence around other people; Difficulty thinking of things to say in conversation; Lack of knowledge of expected modes of behavior for various social situations; Absence of outgoing mannerisms such as good eye contact, an easy smile, a relaxed posture, and so forth. Further, the element of willpower (or the lack of it) enters into the picture. The shy person must sometimes force himself to do such things as go to a party or to strike up a conversation with a classmate. These, for the shy person, can require a tremendous amount of effort. Also, sometimes shyness can be much like a phobia—an irrational fear that cripples our behavior. We know it's foolish to be afraid of people. We know that people are more inclined to like us if we're relaxed and cheerful than if we're awkward or clumsy. Still, we seem to be predisposed somehow to behave in a certain way. Though the fear that accompanies a "true" phobia is usually more extreme than the fear that accompanies shyness, there do seem to be common elements. (There is even such a thing as a true phobia of other people; it's called anthrophobia.) 1.2) What is WRONG with shyness? To quote one poster to alt.support.shyness: > Shyness is not bad, it is who you are. > > I have noticed that there are programs to treat shyness > as If it were a problem or a disease. Shyness is not a > disease. The people that have the problem are the sick > people who think there is something wrong with you if > you are quiet or timid. Actually shy people are > probably the most kind hearted people there are. Do > not let anyone down you because you are shy. That's the > way that God made you. Be thankful for it. There is much truth to this statement. The shy are unlikely to gossip or brag, be pushy or demanding, hostile or overbearing or overly aggressive. They tend to make loyal friends; they work harder at keeping a relationship going once they succeed at forming one. They often appear more deep and thoughtful, more discreet and unassuming. In addition, shy people are often perceived as being better listeners (although they sometimes aren't really good listeners at all), as more understanding and as more trustworthy. They tend to make better team players; they aren't always struggling for control in a group situation. They obviously don't dominate conversations, aren't constantly talking about themselves. Indeed, the shy may have many, many fine qualities and very few off-putting ones. Why is it, then, that shy people do not tend to be as widely liked as more outgoing ones? Why is it that people, generally, are not as attracted to the shy as to the gregarious person? Why is it that, by very definition, to be "shy" is to be "unpopular," or at least less popular than the average? Dr. Zimbardo surveyed nearly 5000 people over a period of four years. This is what he concluded on the audiotape Winning Over Shyness: "Shy people are typically not liked by as many people as they like, or want to like them, but, in fact, are often liked by very few." Many shy people, even some who are severely shy, see their shyness as a positive attribute. This is a reasonable conclusion. However, the shyer one is, the harder it is to view shyness as positive. To go through life being unable to draw other people into warm personal contacts-—how frustrating that is! For the greatest need of human beings aside from food, clothing and shelter is that of human companionship. Shyness, if it is too severe, strikes at the very core of what it means to be human—the ability to make that vital human connection with others. Not all aspects of being shy are bad. The bottom line is, there is nothing wrong with shyness, EXCEPT to the degree that it keeps one from meeting the people one wants to meet or doing the things one wants to do. 1.3) How do "non-shy" people regard the shy person? Actually the term "non-shy" is a misnomer. There is no one who never feels shy. But we'll use this term to describe people who are USUALLY outgoing. Unfortunately, it seems that while the warmth of outgoing people may cause them to be liked by most of the people they come into contact with, people all too often seem to respond to those who are too shy with aloofness or even disdain. Some shy people come to feel as if there is something "wrong" with them, as if somehow they are not as important or as worthwhile as the more outgoing people around them. Said one shy person, "it's frustrating to try to be a good person, yet still to be disliked because of your shyness." And unfortunately, the one "negative" trait of shyness can easily offset a dozen fine qualities in people's minds—especially if that negative trait keeps people from seeing the more positive traits. Gerald M. Phillips, professor of Speech Communications at Pennsylvania State University, writes in his book, Help for Shy People, that many people simply see shyness as a form of incompetence, and shy people as boring and uninviting. "If people do not talk," he writes, "we read it as a sign that we should leave them alone. We talk to those who can reward us and never even notice the others." The problem is NOT that shyness is so awful. The problem is that the average person THINKS that shyness is so awful! Unfortunately, shy people are often labeled as "boring," "awkward," "lacking in sense of humor," or "stuck up." Often, even shy people would rather hang out with people who are more outgoing. A post on an AOL message board: > I hate how extroverted people get so damn uncomfortable > around introverts at parties and then act like it's YOUR > fault they don't know how to act around someone who is > quieter than they are. ("You're so quiet!") One must feel > sorry for them, actually...it's the human thing to do. A good answer to this question is, "Well, what would you like to talk about?" This answer will probably be met with stunned silence, because the other person implies with this question that you are unfriendly, and this answer points out that HE must have been "unfriendly" too! It also proves that you CAN'T be unfriendly, because you're inviting him to a conversation! If there is another thing about the shy person that can cause people to avoid him or her, it is simply this: being around shy people often makes people feel shy themselves! Research conducted by psychologist Avril Thorne, and reported in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, verified this phenomenon. When Thorne put introverts and extroverts together, she found that personality differences between the two types diminished. Without the necessary feedback from their companions, many extroverts find themselves at a loss for words as well. Even those who pride themselves on being "outgoing" may feel "shy" when around the very shy person. They may begin to stammer, to stutter, to fumble for words—in short, to display the very same reactions that the shy themselves exhibit. How precarious extroversion can be! In recent years, there has been a greater and greater awareness of this phenomenon. As psychologist Elaine Hatfield, Ph.D., quoted in Self magazine put it: "The whole study of contagion and emotions is exploding. It's totally unconscious, and it's amazing how fast it happens." Quite simply, "extroverts" can feel the awkwardness, the uneasiness, of not knowing, themselves, what to say around a shy person. And they dislike this feeling—just as much as anyone else does. In short, even those who pride themselves on being outgoing may "become" shy when around shy people. And so the best way to avoid these feelings, quite often, is to simply avoid those who make them feel this way! Shy people have a tougher time making friends, going on dates, even getting a good job! Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if people weren't so judgmental of shy people, but they are. That's why seriously shy people have to change. Because society as a whole will not! 1.4) Should I tell people I'm shy? People may suggest, with the best of intentions, that you tell everyone you meet that you are shy. The idea is to bring about better understanding between yourself and others by letting them know that you are not unfriendly, and that they are supposed to be sympathetic towards you. But is this good advice? Actually, it depends on the individual. If people normally see you as cold and aloof, saying something like, "Parties like this really make me feel shy," can indeed bring about better understanding. Unfortunately, with people who tend to view introverts as simply less interesting than extroverts, an admission of being shy is unlikely to bring about a spirit of empathy. Sometimes, I think that telling people you are shy is the worst thing you can do. It sets up the expectation in other people's minds that you are "difficult to talk to." It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think more important than telling everybody you are shy is to become so adept at striking up conversations that people will no longer have any reason to accuse you of being unfriendly! 1.5) Is shyness inborn or something that's learned? There is evidence that a biological tendency towards shyness may be inherited from our parents; in other words, there may be a genetic component to shyness. One of the foremost researchers into the biological basis of shyness, Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan, came across information showing that shyness in adults could often be traced as far back as the age of three. Skeptics thought that children might have had ample time to pick up the trait of shyness from their environment by that age. So, to determine whether the trait might have emerged before it could have been learned, Kagan and his colleague, Steven J. Reznick, embarked on a study of two-year olds. Even at that age, they found two widely different personality types; roughly 25 percent of the children were bold, while 20 percent were timid and wary. Still, not all critics thought the studies were conclusive, since even by the age of two the children might have had time to "learn" shy behaviors. So Kagan embarked on yet another study, this time examining infants as young as four months old, and again the two temperaments emerged. Kagan theorized that there might be fundamental differences in the nervous systems of the timid and confident infants. In other words, brain physiology seemed to predispose certain people to shyness. As the children grew, their timidity displayed itself in predictable ways. In play groups at 7 1/2, for example, the shy children played by themselves, while the more outgoing children played together in groups. Further evidence for a congenital link to shyness was found in studies by other researchers that show that identical twins (who have identical genes) are more likely to share shyness than fraternal twins (who are no more alike than other siblings). This is not to say that shyness has a biological basis in all people. In fact, according to Kagan's studies, only about one third of all extremely inhibited children seem to have a genetic predisposition to shyness. But even for those of us whose shyness has a biological basis, this doesn't mean that it is not within our ability to change. It is important to emphasize that even those without an inborn tendency toward extroversion can learn to become more extroverted, just as someone without an inborn skill at art can learn to draw or paint well if he or she possesses the drive and puts forth the effort required to do so. Biology is not the same as fate. The shy person is not destined to suffer a lifetime of shyness. The point here, rather, is that the shy person must not blame herself, something she did or failed to do, for her shyness. Wallowing in a pool of self-condemnation will not help the problem. Nor will blaming the whole thing on one's upbringing or parents. The shy person didn't choose to be shy, nor is her shyness necessarily a result of something she did or did not do during childhood or while growing up. Shyness is simply a natural reaction to unfamiliar situations. 1.6) Is shyness a form of low self-esteem? Contrary to popular belief, not all shy people suffer from inferiority complexes or low self-esteem. Of course, shy people may eventually develop feelings of inferiority in the area of human relations but here the low self esteem is the result of shyness, not the cause of it. This is not to say that no shy people suffer from inferiority complexes. But feelings of inferiority or low self-esteem are far from being reserved exclusively for shy people. 1.7) Is shyness a form of selfishness? One poster to alt.support.shyness wrote: > I wouldn't label shyness bad. But there is a selfish aspect > of shyness. I had never thought of being shy as being > selfish, until I read an article about it. I had to agree > after reflecting that it can be because we're so concerned > about ourselves and how other see us. We don't share > ourselves and this is selfish. We can't just take from > other people, we need (I need) to learn to share part of me > too. "We're so concerned about ourselves and how other see us?" Doesn't this describe everyone? How often have you heard, "Don't worry about your shyness; everyone is too concerned with themselves to notice that you're shy." I have heard this "selfishness" argument before, too, and I think it is a slur against shy people. Perhaps the intentions are good: a way to "shame" people out of their shyness. But it is based on a false assumption, and therefore, it won't work. Besides, have you ever heard of someone being "shamed" out of a psychological problem? More and more evidence is showing that shyness is an inborn trait in some people. Furthermore, to a large degree, shyness stems from difficulty in "thinking of things to say" to people. This is why the nervousness kicks in. Some people are natural born raconteurs, others are not. So why blame someone because they lack a certain skill and call it "selfishness?" In my own experience, I have found that non-shy people are very judgmental of shy people. 1.8) How can I tell if I'm shy? Here's a quiz to gauge your level of shyness: To use this quiz, rate your answer to each question according to the scale below: Write "0" next to the question if the answer is "no." Write "1" next to the question if the answer is "seldom." Write "2" next to the question if the answer is "sometimes." Write "3" next to the question if the answer is "often." Write "4" next to the question if the answer is "always." This is not a scientific inventory, but it may help you pinpoint the specific problems shyness causes you. Do you feel anxious around new people? Is it a struggle for you sometimes to think of things to say to a new acquaintance? Is it difficult for you to keep a conversation going once it's been started? Do you ever trip over your tongue or stammer when trying to talk to someone you don't know well? Do you rarely meet people with whom you feel you have much in common? Do you ever have trouble talking even to people who share your interests? Do you sometimes become tongue-tied even when you were sure you had something to say? Do you ever think of a conversational topic after the opportunity to use it has passed? Do you ever feel like you're not a "member of the gang" when you're with a group of associates? Do people sometimes think of you as serious, cold, aloof? Do you tend to avoid parties because you often end up sitting by yourself? Do you feel guilty when you try to behave in a more outgoing manner—as if you're somehow being phony, or not expressing "the real you?" Do you have trouble speaking in front of groups? Do you find that other people more often remember your name than you remember theirs? Do you fail to have as expressive, confident-sounding voice as you would like? Do you fail to smile or laugh as often as you would like? Do you ever stand stiffly or fail to look relaxed when around other people? Do you have trouble making as much eye-contact as you feel you should? Do you have as many friends as you would like? Do you go out on as many dates as you would wish? Does talking to a member of the opposite sex sometimes cause you anxiety? Does talking to a handsome or pretty member of the opposite sex sometimes cause you anxiety? Do you have trouble asserting yourself when somebody tries to take advantage of you? Do you have trouble knowing how to respond when somebody makes a wisecrack or smart-alecky remark at your expense? Does asking a favor of others cause you difficulty? Do you have difficulty refusing requests of you for favors? Do you have difficulty giving or receiving compliments? Do you sometimes have trouble knowing how to end a conversation gracefully? Do you feel most people just have a compulsion to fill silence with empty chatter? Do you believe that the more you talk, the more chance you'll have of saying something foolish, so it's better to be silent so people will just assume you're intelligent? SCORING: It is possible to score as high as 150 on this quiz and as low as 0, the higher the score, the greater being the degree of shyness. Very few, if any, people will score perfectly at either of the two extremes. Still, the higher your score is, the more concentration you will have to devote to overcoming your shyness. This quiz is for determining not only your shyness level, but for getting a handle on exactly what areas of shyness are a problem for you, so that you can begin to go about working on those aspects of your shyness. 1.9) What is the difference between shyness and introversion? According to one dictionary, an introvert is "a person more interested in his own mental life than in the world around him." Another defines introversion as "directing one's interests upon oneself rather than external objects or events" while an extrovert is "a person whose interest is more in his environment and in other people than in himself." To me, these definitions seem a little unfair. They make the trait of introversion sound like one of narrow-mindedness and self-absorption. But many of the world's greatest thinkers are said to have been self-conscious or introverted: Charles Darwin, Thomas Carlyle, Sir Isaac Newton, Michael Faraday, Cezanne, Pestalozzi, Martin Luther and Albert Einstein among them. In reality, an extrovert can be extremely self-centered, while an introvert can be quite altruistic. It all depends on the individual. "Introversion" is also often used as a synonym for shyness. But there are important differences between the two personality types. Introverts enjoy solitude, and may be perfectly happy by themselves, with no desire to form new relationships. Shy people, on the other hand, often desperately want to be closer to other people, but are afraid, or don't know how. Unlike introversion, I don't think shyness is ever a preferred way of life, if you accept the definition of shyness as meaning "awkwardness in the company of others," because nobody likes to feel awkward. And few people could, or would want to, completely avoid being in the company of other people. In short, introversion is when one prefers solitude. Shyness is when one is FORCED into it. Of course, an introvert may have elements of shyness, and a shy person may have elements of introversion. But in their purest forms, being "shy" and being an "introvert" are quite different from one another. It is possible for a person to be an introvert but to not really be shy; that is, to be one who enjoys solitude but has no trouble interacting with other people when the situation calls for it. It is also possible to be shy without really being an introvert; that is, to enjoy other people's company more than one's own, but to not really know how to go about gaining it. And, according to Dr. Zimbardo, there are even such things as shy extroverts. These are people who are able to carry on conversation with others, to become accepted and even popular, but always feel a certain amount of nervousness around people anyway. Though they know theoretically how to be outgoing, overcoming their natural tendency toward "butterflies" is still a struggle for them. Public figures who have called themselves shy include Johnny Carson, John Travolta, Carol Burnett, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter and even Elizabeth Taylor. This is, however, the least severe form of shyness. How you feel inside when dealing with others is far less important than how you appear externally. If you can act outgoing, then other people will accept you as outgoing, and your internal state will matter little in gaining the rewards that extroversion brings. 1.10) What is the hardest part of shyness to overcome? This is a difficult question to answer, because everyone's shyness is different. The most difficult thing may be assuming the mannerisms that outgoing people possess, such as a relaxed open posture, good eye contact, an expressive, confident sounding voice, an easy smile, and so on. This may be because mannerisms are largely controlled by the nervous system, instead of the conscious mind. 1.11) What problems do shy people have on the job? Unfortunately, mastering the skills necessary for gaining employment in a good job can be especially challenging for shy people. Interviewing, calling up potential employers, and schmoozing with company representatives at career seminars and job fairs all require a good degree of poise, self-confidence, verbal skill and ease around others. Even more demanding is what is known as aggressive job hunting, which can be far more effective than "traditional" job-hunting techniques, but entails even greater contact with potential employers. Unfortunately, statistics also show that shy people tend to have more trouble than extroverts advancing on the job, even when they do succeed in getting one. Says Dr. Jonathan Cheek, author of _Conquering Shyness; The Battle anyone Can Win_, "Underemployment--being stuck in a job that requires less skill or training than you possess--uneasy work relationships, and slower advancement mark the careers of shy people." Dr. Cheek points to research done at the University of Tulsa in Oklahoma that shows that the shyer a person is, the less prestigious his last job title tends to be. Concludes Dr. Cheek, "Almost every lucrative career requires solid communication skills, an assertive personality, and an astute sense of office politics." In addition, some shy people report being subjected to excessive criticism or "hazing" on the job by their co-workers, and even sometimes by their supervisors. A survey in 1998 by the International Labor Office, in trying to explain the rash of episodes of workplace violence, found that "workplace bullying" was one factor. This can include shouting at subordinates or co-workers, insistence that all work be done the bully's way, or punishment through constant criticism, no matter how competent the worker. Shy people, due to their lack of popularity and assertiveness, may be especially susceptible to this kind of treatment. 1.12) I hear a lot about NLP. What is it? NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) is a self-help therapeutic technique developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. The technique deals with using vivid mental imagery to change the way one thinks about things. Late night infomercial guru Tony Robbins sells his own brand of NLP. Some NLP principles, while not entirely original, are inspiring and have merit. For example, the principle of "modeling" is an excellent principle for shy people to follow. As applied to shyness, it might entail watching the outgoing people you admire and observing how they open a conversation, how they fill in short blocks of time with "banter," how they smile, make eye contact, and participate in groups. Some of your observations might be as follows: "Shari puts a lot of enthusiasm into her voice. She shares her ideas with others but is not pushy. She listens to what others have to say and asks questions." On the other hand, some NLP concepts are utter nonsense. For example, NLP assumes that people fall into certain categories based on the way they mentally organize their experiences and break them down into categories such as auditory, visual and kinesthetic. One way of determining what category a person falls into is by observing their eye movements. But this concept has overwhelmingly failed to stand up to empirical investigations. Nor do people talk in exclusively visual or auditory or kinesthetic terms as NLP claims. Another NLP concept is that one is supposed to be able to establish rapport with someone by observing their mannerisms and "mirroring" them. NLP assumes that crossing your legs and holding your hands the same way another person does is more important to creating rapport with somebody than actually having something in common with them, sharing the same interests, not being argumentative, smiling, making good eye-contact, being relaxed, and listening to what they have to say. In short, the advice given in Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is more practical and realistic than this illogical NLP concept. If you want to learn more about NLP, a good, quick introduction to it is the set of audiocassettes, "NLP the New Technology of Achievement," by Charles Faulkner, et al., published by Nightingale Conant (1991). ON THE WEB: NLP & DHE (Design Human Engineering) http://www.nlp.com/NLP/index.html Marc Meunier has a page on NLP and shyness: http://www.golden.net/~mmeunier/shyness/ For a skeptical look at NLP: http://dcn.davis.ca.us/~btcarrol/skeptic/neurolin.html 1.13) Does alcohol help shy people "loosen up?" Shy people who reach for alcohol to help them in social situations may only end up feeling more anxious and tongue-tied, according to research at University of New York at Binghampton. Researcher Stephen A. Lisman found that, contrary to popular belief, two drinks can produce marked impairment in conversational ability, and four drinks tend to seriously restrict it. Surprisingly, however, the shy drinkers tested misjudged their own ability and believed that they had, in fact, become better socializers (this may be why the belief in alcohol as a social relaxant came about in the first place). Worse, those who had imbibed actually showed increased signs of nervousness. And alcohol can also cause people to say things they wouldn't normally say (that is, things that they might regret later!). Alcohol seems to exaggerate the normal personality. The extrovert becomes more extroverted while the introvert becomes more withdrawn. Booze, then, is no boon; drinking non-alcoholic beverages at parties will enable you to have the same casual, relaxed look, as well as give you something to do with your hands, that alcohol will, but without the unintended side-effects. 1.14) Does hypnosis work in overcoming shyness? Hypnosis is the process of putting a person in a highly suggestible state through eye fixation or "fixed gaze" methods (staring at a swinging pendulum), progressive relaxation, or other techniques, and then giving him or her suggestions while in that state. People vary widely in their susceptibility to hypnosis. This has nothing to do with being "strong-willed" or "trying hard." Some people are just more suggestible than others. Obviously, you can't go walking around in a "trance" all the time, so the post-hypnotic suggestion is the most beneficial for changing everyday behaviors. But post-hypnotic is also the hardest suggestion to implement successfully, as it must operate long after you have left the "trance" state. If you decide to try hypnotherapy, expect to spend quite a bit of money doing so, as you may have to try a number of different therapists to determine whether it will work for you. An alternative is self-hypnosis, but even this is best learned from a certified hypnotherapist, who can give both training and post-hypnotic suggestions to aid in learning. Be warned that many far-out claims are made for hypnosis. It is no magic bullet for most people. 1.15) What medications are used in treating shyness? How effective are they? This could be a whole FAQ--nay, a book--in itself. However, briefly: The world's leading antidepressive drug is Prozac, the first of a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) that boost brain levels of serotonin which regulates moods. An older class of antidepressant, called tricyclides, block serotonin receptors in the brain but have more severe side-effects. A new type of antidepressant, Serzone, produced by Bristol Meyers Squibb claims that it combines the best benefits of Prozac with an additional boost--fewer side-effects--and a lower price. There are many other medications as well: Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, Netazadone, Luvox. It is impossible to say which of these medications, if any, would help with any particular individual's shyness. Everybody's body chemistry is different. The only way to find out would be to try each one, one-by-one. Keep in mind that all medications can be expensive, especially when you take into account the psychiatrist bills that accompany them (psychopharmaceuticals must be prescribed by a psychiatrist), and they all have side effects, of which the following is just a partial list: queasiness nausia drowsiness insomnia night sweats dizziness upset stomach/gas loss of sex drive anxiety/mania headaches constipation diarrhea Medications may seem to work at first and then stop. Or they may require larger and larger doses to have the same effect. Or new side effects may crop up after a few months of usage. Medications are also limited in what they can do. They may help throttle back the nervousness that often accompanies shyness. But they may do nothing to help increase self confidence, remove nervous mannerisms, or alter the other symptoms of shyness. 2) OVERCOMING SHYNESS 2.1) What is the best way to overcome shyness? Systematic (or Graduated) Desensitization. This is contrasted with a technique called "flooding," in which the shy person is immediately exposed to a feared situation. This experience is supposed to be cathartic. This is the advice that is often given shy people. "You've got to mix and mingle with people—that's the only way you're going to overcome your shyness! Go to a party, and plunge right in!" This is something akin to telling someone who's deathly afraid of water to plunge into the deep end of a swimming pool! Systematic desensitization, on the other hand, involves discovering what you are afraid of, breaking that feared activity down into smaller steps and finally taking those steps on one at a time, gradually moving from the easiest step to the most difficult. The first step toward practicing systematic desensitization is to list those situations which cause you shyness or anxiety. The list should be arranged in increasing order of difficulty; that is, with the easiest interactions listed first, progressing down toward those which cause greater and greater anxiety. To make this task easier, below is a list of social situations arranged in what I think will be roughly increasing difficulty for most shy people. You can use this list as a framework for your own list. The list progresses from the mildest social situations to the most difficult. LIST OF SHYNESS SITUATIONS Conversing with a close relative Calling information and asking the operator for a telephone number Calling a local store and asking about the price and availability of an item you want to buy Asking a clerk in a store for the location of a certain product Asking a store clerk for information about a certain product. Asking a reference librarian for help in finding certain information Making brief conversation with a store clerk while having your merchandise rung up, or with a waitress while placing an order Entering into a lengthier conversation with a store clerk or waitress Conversing with a friend of a member of your family Conversing with a friend of an older member of your family Initiating a conversation with a member of your church who's your own age Initiating a conversation with a member of your church who's older than you Initiating a conversation with a church leader Conversing with a distant relative Talking to your hair stylist or barber while having your hair cut Initiating a conversation with a stranger while waiting in line at the grocery store or movie theater Initiating a conversation with a stranger while waiting in the doctor's office or repair shop Initiating a conversation with someone while waiting at a bus stop Introducing yourself and entering into a conversation with a new neighbor Introducing yourself and entering into a brief conversation with a classmate Introducing yourself and entering into a lengthier conversation with a classmate Initiating a conversation with someone in the school cafeteria Initiating a brief conversation with a classmate of the opposite sex Initiating a brief conversation with an attractive classmate of the opposite sex Initiating a lengthier conversation with a classmate of the opposite sex Initiating a lengthy conversation with an attractive classmate of the opposite sex Raising your hand and volunteering information in class Volunteering information in a class in which you are not required to raise your hand Participation in a "round-robin" discussion in class Asking your teacher for clarification on something you don't understand in private Asking your teacher for clarification on something you don't understand in front of the rest of the class Initiating a friendly conversation with a teacher or instructor before or after class Returning defective merchandise to a store Returning merchandise to a store because you decide you don't like it Asking for satisfaction from service personnel, such as a car mechanic Asking your doctor a list of questions that you want answered Asking your doctor for clarification on something you don't understand Carrying on a regular conversation with your doctor Starting a conversation with a new co-worker Starting a conversation with your boss Going with a buddy to a party attended by people whom you know Going with a buddy to a party attended by strangers Going by yourself to a party attended by people whom you know Going by yourself to a party attended by strangers Going with a friend to an office party or picnic attended by co-workers, their friends and their families Going by yourself to an office party or picnic Going to a club or organization meeting and striking up a conversation with the people there Asking someone you find "average-looking" out on a date Asking someone you find attractive out on a date Going out on a date with someone you find "average looking" Going out on a date with someone you find attractive Meeting your date's parents Spending an evening with your date's parents Dancing at a social event Going to a singles bar and striking up a conversation with people there Calling local employers and asking for a job interview Going to a job interview Going to a very important job interview Giving a speech in front of a small group Giving a speech in front of a large group Giving a speech in front of a very large group Paste this list of situations into your word processor. Eliminate any situations that aren't a problem for you, and add any that may not be included. Next, arrange them in ascending order of difficulty. After you have done so, print them out. The next step is to tackle these shyness-producing situations one at a time, progressing from the easiest to the most difficult. To do this, you must set goals for yourself. Set aside a couple of weeks for each shyness situation. Every day, make a deliberate point of getting into a situation in which you will have an opportunity to practice a skill on your list which you have set aside to practice during that week. When you have practiced a particular skill on your list every day for two weeks, move on to the next one. Continue this way until you have worked your way completely down the list. This technique doesn't work perfectly, because life doesn't always hand out experiences in the order we've decided would be best, but don't worry; the technique will still be effective. Another tip: most of these situations can be made more challenging by increasing how much time you spend in that situation, or by increasing the difficulty in some other way. For example, you may have no trouble asking a librarian to help you find something, but entering into a brief conversation with him or her may be a little more difficult. Or, a short conversation with someone you meet at school may be easy, but a longer one may be more challenging. In this way you can "fine tune" your graduated desensitization regimen in a way that allows you to achieve a very smooth increase in its difficulty level. One of the easiest ways to begin is to try striking up little conversations with store clerks. This gives you an opportunity to practice overcoming your shyness every time you pick up a magazine or buy a candy bar. The conversations don't have to be long ones, and you can close the conversation whenever you wish. Another advantage is that since you have no need to see these people again, you have no reason to be upset if you say something you later decide was less than brilliant. Of course, make sure there isn't a long line of other shoppers waiting behind you when you try this technique! 2.2) What is visualization? "Visualization," "imaging," or "cognitive behavioral rehearsal" is the process of creating detailed mental pictures of behaviors you wish to assume. It can be a useful supplement to your other efforts at overcoming shyness. In effect, it is a way of practicing in your mind behaviors that you wish to acquire in real life. And research shows that visualization can really help. Researchers at Louisiana State University found that people could actually increase the amount of weight they could lift by visualizing themselves doing so. Daydreaming is a form of visualization. The difference between visualization and daydreaming, however, is that there are gaps in daydreams, and we picture some hypothetical event that will probably never take place. In the visualization process, by contrast, we picture something that is more likely to happen and imagine the step-by-step process by which we will handle it. You need to practice visualization when you know you can relax without fear of interruption. Try to choose a time when nobody else is home, or, if this is not possible, go to a room by yourself and hang a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. (It is okay to tell people what you are doing.) Before you begin your visualization session, you should relax for a few minutes. You need no special regimen. If you are familiar with yoga, meditation, or another relaxation discipline you may practice it briefly before beginning visualization. Otherwise, kicking off your shoes, putting your feet up, and going into a quiet mood will be fine. It is important, however, to be relaxed when visualizing because you want to subconsciously associate a feeling of relaxation with the social situations that you are about to mentally rehearse. When you actually enter into a situation you visualized, you want to be able to recall that relaxed state vividly. When you feel you are sufficiently relaxed you are ready to start the visualization process. 1: Close your eyes and picture the scene that causes you shyness as vividly and accurately as possible. Picture the people who are involved in the scene. What do they say? How do you respond? 2: If you are visualizing something that happened in the past, picture the scene as it actually happened as vividly as possible. What is it that was difficult about this situation? 3: What did the other person (or people) say? What did you say? What do you feel was inadequate about your performance? 4: Now visualize the exact same scene again. Picture what the other person said to you. But this time, picture yourself responding as you wish you had responded. Or, if you initiated the interaction, picture yourself doing so as you wish you had, effectively, self-confidently. If you have trouble knowing what this would be, think of an outgoing person you admire and picture how he or she would handle the situation. Imagine yourself behaving the same way. 5: Now picture how you think the other person might have responded to you had you acted the way you wished. Then visualize your next move or statement, his or her response, and so on, until you think the interaction is completed. 6: If you are visualizing something that will happen in the future, you must make a number of suppositions. Who do you expect to be talking to? Is it likely to be a man or a woman? Have you met this person before? What is the setting? What do you wish to accomplish with the interaction? How should you approach this person? What do you think you should say? What do you expect the other person to say? How will you respond? Visualize this scene repeatedly until you think you have worked out all the details and have determined what your best approach will be and how you will respond to various possible behaviors on the part of the other person. Picture yourself being relaxed, friendly, confident. The important thing to remember when visualizing is not simply to think "I must be more outgoing," but to actually see yourself being more outgoing. See every step of your desired behavior as if it were projected on a movie screen. Just as you mentally "see" various scenarios acted out when you daydream, so must you "see" them when you visualize. As with any other skill, your ability to visualize will improve with practice. A few other tips: First, be realistic about what you're visualizing. Don't see yourself as being the "life of the party" right away. Instead, look at the graduated desensitization list that you made up in the previous section, start visualizing the first thing that causes you shyness, and work your way up from there. 20-30 minutes a day is a good amount of time to devote to visualization. 2.3) How can I become a better conversationalist? While the shy person generally wants to be seen as friendly, he or she often has trouble making conversation right off the bat with a new acquaintance. Also, much of the nervousness associated with shyness stems from the fear of not being able to think of anything to say. So improving conversational skill can help relieve much of the anxiety commonly associated with shyness. My advice to the average person would be, "Give the other person a chance to speak!" To converse means to exchange thoughts and opinions. Conversing is not lecturing; it's an exchange. However, since most shy people's problem is not one of talking too much, but too little, my advice to them is exactly the opposite: you must make a hobby of thinking of things to talk about, of constantly storing up conversational subjects for later use. It is often helpful to try to think up potential conversational topics in advance of situations in which you know that some conversation may be appropriate. Constantly consider how the people and activities going on around you could be good topics for conversation. At odd moments throughout the day, imagine yourself running into new acquaintances and the subjects you could discuss with them. What about getting someone to talk about his or her pet interests? In this case, you will increase your edge if you know something about the subject under discussion. Read magazines and the newspaper. It has been said that the best conversationalists know a little about a lot of things. Of course, it is impossible for you to have personal knowledge about everything. But the human mind is a vast storehouse of knowledge. You will find that you can relate to almost every subject if you apply the following techniques. Ask Questions (obviously)! Think of someone else you know who relates to the subject. For example, if you meet somebody who's in, say, the naval reserves and you have a friend or a cousin who is as well, this is a great common ground for conversation. Bring up something you've read on the subject (this is where all that reading comes in handy). Bring up something that you have personal knowledge about that relates to subject under discussion. For example, say the other person's joy in life is skiing. You've never done any of that, but you have enjoyed ice skating. These two activities are similar enough that you may find you have much common ground for discussion. The more conversation you have with people, in fact, the better conversationalist you will become. This is true for two reasons: first, you get more practice at conversing. Second, and less obviously, the more people you know, the broader will be your range of contacts and shared knowledge, and therefore, the more subjects you will be able to indirectly relate to. Remember that first impressions are important, and the first conversation you have with each new person you meet will set the stage for the future relationship. Therefore, when you are introduced to someone you expect to meet again, you should do the following things: 1. Learn that person's name. 2. Enter into a conversation with that person, and focus the conversation on that person. 3. Remember the facts that came out about the person in the initial conversation. This is extremely valuable, as it will ease much of the difficulty of thinking of things to say in future conversations. For example, in subsequent conversations you can ask about the other person's children, hobbies, interests, and any other facts that came out in the prior conversation. Therefore, cultivating a good memory about people will make you a better conversationalist and will ease much of the fear about what to say to people in subsequent meetings. If you apply this technique successfully, you will also never have to worry about running out of things to talk about, as the previous conversation will always suggest new lines of discussion for the current conversation. 2.4) How do I deepen the conversation? Small talk is very important. It is the social lubricant by which people get to know each other. However, many shy people complain that they don't know how to move beyond small talk to more substantial, and therefore more interesting, subjects. In their second, third, fourth, and fifth conversations with a person they still find themselves hung up on such trivial topics as the weather or the quality of food in the cafeteria! Therefore, let's explore some of the many ways you can deepen a conversation: Give your opinion on something. "I think Mr. Bramage was a more interesting instructor than Mr. Hill because..." Ask the other person's opinion on something: "Who has been your favorite lecturer so far? Why?" Politely disagree with the other person: "Well, I agree with you that progress can't be stopped. However, I don't agree that knocking down historic structures is a form of progress..." Introduce a controversial topic or opinion into the discussion: "I was reading about an expert in the newspaper today who said there is not a single scientific shred of evidence to support the existence of E.S.P." Think of how something the other person just said leads to a deeper topic. "Your mention of orange juice reminds me of something I heard about the cancer-fighting benefits that are claimed for it, as well as other fruit and vegetable juices. Do you believe that?" Introduce politics into the discussion—but do so carefully: "Are you voting in the next election? Why?" (Or, "Why not?") Or, "Do you have a political affiliation? Why do you feel that way?" If you find that the other person not only shares many of your viewpoints, but enjoys talking about this subject, you may have a rich source of conversation here. (Of course, you can talk politics even if your viewpoints conflict, but you have to tread very carefully in this case.) The old "Dale Carnegie" technique of asking questions ("Where are you from?" How do you like it here?" "Where did you live before this?") is a good way of starting a conversation and showing interest in the other person. Think up lists of questions to ask people under various circumstances. In fact, your initial conversation should be focused on the other person. Be careful, though; if the other person gives short answers or you ask too many questions in rapid succession, this technique will start to sound like a third degree rather than a real conversation. This idea is no substitute for being able to talk well yourself. Find more conversational tips in the section on dating. 2.5) How can I make friends? If you are still in school, take adult education classes, or join clubs or organizations, you should succeed in forming a goodly number of acquaintances. But how do you go about turning some of these acquaintances into friends? First, you should acquire an instinct for judging which acquaintances are likely candidates for friendship. If you find a conversation you have with somebody to be stimulating, and the other person seems to enjoy it too, that is certainly a good sign. Maybe the other person shares one of your interests or passions. If so, you can take the next step toward friendship immediately. More likely, you will decide that a person is a good candidate for friendship only after several conversations with him or her. This is why places such as classes, clubs, church, and organizations that allow you to come into contact with the same people repeatedly will probably be the most promising as far as making friends goes. If you find that you enjoy the other person's company and he or she enjoys yours, the two of you are certainly good candidates for friendship. How do you know if the other person enjoys your company? Simple: the other person will continue to seek you out for conversation. Congratulations! You have found a potential friend. The next step is to invite him or her to some activity not far removed from the setting in which you normally find yourselves. For example, arrange to eat lunch, go for a walk, or study together. This will allow the two of you to gauge your compatibility with each other in a relaxed, casual setting. The best sign of a mutually rewarding friendship is when the other person reciprocates your invitations to lunch and to other activities. The final step towards sealing your friendship is to invite your friend on more elaborate outings together, say a game of tennis, a trip to the museum, an expedition at your shopping mall, or attendence at a local concert. It is important to emphasize that making friends, like so many other things in life, is largely a numbers game. That is, the odds of any single person you meet becoming a close friend are small. But the more people you meet, the greater will be your chances of truly connecting with someone—of finding someone who shares your enthusiasms and enjoys your company as much as you enjoy his or hers. This is why you must overcome the reticence that accompanies shyness. If you fail to strike up conversations with new people, you will be severely cutting your chances of making friends. 3) THE DATING GAME 3.1) How can I attract the opposite sex? First you have to meet eligible singles. If you're still in school, your job is relatively easy. You're surrounded by hundreds of people every day, half of whom are of the opposite gender. If your school is not coeducational or if you're in trade school and most or all of your peers are of the same sex, or, of course, if you're past school age, your job will be a little more difficult. Then you'll simply have to be a little more imaginative in finding ways to meet potential dates. Places typically recommended by "experts" include the laundromat, the shopping mall, and the supermarket. The laundromat can indeed be a good place to meet available singles. Every patron spends at least an hour there with little to do but wait for the "wash" or "dry" cycle to finish. This makes the people more receptive to conversational initiatives by others, as well as for allowing ample time for conversations to develop. The supermarket or the shopping mall may be less attractive as potential singles meeting grounds, however. True, the romantic image of the supermarket may consist of meeting the man or woman of one's dreams in the frozen food section: you and he (or she) smile at each other, your hands brush as you reach for the T.V. dinners, and the next thing you know, a wonderful conversation has ensued. And the shopping mall is said to be a favorite hang-out—at least for young people. But for the chronically shy, both these settings may hold less promise than more structured ones. They fear many people go to these places not so much to meet people as to simply make purchases. The fact that few, if any, strangers may have struck up conversations with them there indicates that most people are not receptive to the idea of these places as informal "singles bars." And for the shy person, where even little details matter, any lack of receptivity by another person can be fatal to one's self-confidence. On the other hand, there is one thing to be said for shopping malls: the specialty stores. If you notice someone browsing in your favorite section of the book or record store or some other specialty shop, this is a good indication that the two of you share similar interests, which can be grounds for conversation and getting to know each other better. Letting friends and relatives know that you are looking for a companionable dating partner can sometimes turn up leads. You might be able to get introductions through these people and at the very least, names and telephone numbers. Another good way to meet potential dates, if you're past school age, is by enrolling in a local adult-education course. Various enterprising people in our society have set up a variety of mechanisms to help compatible singles meet each other in an effort to supplement the traditional ones. One of these is the video dating service. Available singles are interviewed on videotape, as well as watching videotaped interviews of other singles. This allows them to "see" potential dating partners before they arrange their first date. Although this can be a bit pricey, it may be worth investigating for those who are at ease before a camera. In addition, there are the "900" telephone numbers, phone lines that people call up to chat with a bunch of other people and possibly arrange dates. Unfortunately, these don't seem to be very promising. The charge for these calls can be pretty stiff, and the conversation can be pretty strained. And there's no guarantee that a person you would like to meet will be calling the line at the same time you are, anyway. There are better ways to meet people. In short, as one woman's magazine put it, "Romance can't flourish at a dollar per minute." Another place, it is generally agreed, that the shy person (and nearly everybody else, for that matter) should not spend their time looking for dates is in the so-called "singles bars." In this highly-competitive atmosphere, those with the cleverest "lines" or the most seemingly self-confident manner are the ones likely to get the most attention. Here, too, people are most likely to have their guard up to avoid being seen as merely another "conquest" by those around them. The singles bar scene is described by those who have experienced it as more like a "game" than a real way to meet the opposite sex. Not very promising for most people. What About the Classified Ads? Should you advertise in the personal columns? Many people are uncomfortable with the idea of "marketing" themselves like a soft drink or a bottle of mouthwash. But for the shy person, the personals may be a way of meeting people that is worth a second look. A misconception is that those who use the personals are simply looking for "one night stands." Some people are, but as Marie Edwards and Eleanor Hoover point out in The Challenge of Being Single, the obviousness of these types of people makes them easy to avoid. And in fact, many of the advertisers in single's columns are looking for long-term relationships and even marriage. Aren't the personal ads an "artificial" way to meet people, though? Not really. Some people find the traditional dating scene—hanging out in bars, or trying to think of a "cute" or "clever" opening line—to be truly artificial. If the participants in a single's column are truthful, this way of meeting people can be one of the most honest there is. Everybody is totally up front about what they are looking for in a person before they even meet—what could be more honest than that? Are the single's ads dangerous, though? Not with a little common sense. There are several layers of protection. First, advertisers and respondents are anonymous. Last names, phone numbers and addresses need only be exchanged when both participants feel comfortable doing so. Secondly, the advertiser can screen out replies and the respondent can screen out ads, eliminating any that may seem questionable. Third, the relationship can proceed in stages, first with letters, then with telephone calls, and finally with coffee or lunch. Fourth, initial meetings can (and should) be held in a public place. Perhaps a restaurant, maybe a coffeehouse, or just a spot in the park. And finally, if a friend is informed about plans and schedules, a fifth layer of protection will be added. Although all relationships (even traditional ones) can have their dangers, following these precautions makes using the personals relatively safe. I shall now make a case, however, for what I think is one of the best ways to meet compatible members of the opposite sex: and that is, in the club or organization. By "club or organization," I mean a volunteer group, a church, a civic or a hobbyist organization. As a member of such a group, you will form a sense of camaraderie with the others. You demonstrate that you have a genuine concern and interest in the things the other people in the group are interested in. Joining a volunteer group is a great way of meeting compatible people. If you're interested in the environment, join an environmental group. If you're concerned about illiteracy, join a literacy tutoring program. You'll meet people who not only share the same interests, but probably the same sensitivities as well. Of course, you must be genuinely concerned about the issue the group is involved in. If you join such a group merely as a means to meet other people, the others will spot your phoniness and resent you for it. You probably won't find the people you meet very interesting, either. However, when you stick with a volunteer group, you automatically create a sense of partnership with others. You demonstrate that you have a genuine concern and interest in the things other people are concerned about! Another good way to meet potential dates, if you're past school age, is by enrolling in a local adult-education course. Such courses are available for a moderate fee and offer instruction in everything from relaxation techniques to creative writing to ice skating. Of course, these classes will require you to overcome your shyness fairly quickly, since the average class lasts only a few weeks. However, a class is a setting at which you know the same people will be present every week, so you have an extended period to get to know them better. This allows you to avoid the awkwardness or abruptness of trying to arrange dates or other outside activities with a virtual stranger after only one meeting. 3.2) What do I do on a date? But what do you talk about on a date? This is a natural concern for many people. Most social interactions are relatively short. But, a date traditionally occupies an entire evening! What on earth is the shy person going to talk about for all that time? Fortunately, it's easier than you may think. For one thing, a date is usually centered around some sort of activity, such as going to a dance or to the movies. This solves most of your problems for you. During a movie, you don't have to talk about anything, and afterwards, the movie itself serves as a topic of conversation. So the problem of conversation becomes relatively simple. Making your first date relatively short and centered around an activity of some sort will do a lot to calm your nerves. Much of your conversation will be based upon you and your date's initial meeting. You already know something about your date, so this makes conversation much easier; you simply base your conversation on what you already know about him or her. Ask about a project of the other person that came out during the previous conversation. Ask about a problem he or she was trying to get resolved. If you've ascertained the other person's interests, you can even do some reading up on them before the next date so that you can impress your partner with your knowledge of his or her interests! If you're young, school is an excellent subject for conversation, and can provide an endless supply of topics. If your date is employed, work can be a good source for conversation. Following are some additional tips for keeping the conversation going. (These tips apply to other social situations as well): Discuss events in the news Maybe the other person isn't real up on current events. But there's an easy way to find out. When the other person says something that reminds you of something you read or heard on the news, use this natural tie-in and see if it gets a good reaction: (Speaking of politics, did you hear about the new crime bill they're trying to put into law? If the other person isn't up on current events, he or she may really be into celebrity news or pop culture. So, study up a bit on feature articles in newspapers and magazines before you go on the next date. Talk about the situation that brought you together The friend who introduced you or the place where the two of you met is a perfectly natural topic of conversation. Talk about the present situation. That salad looks delicious. What's in it? Look at all the bicyclists out today! Do you enjoy riding yourself? I'm really looking forward to that movie tonight. Have you caught any of Arnold Shwarzenegger's previous films? Just as important in knowing how to win a date is knowing exactly what it is that you want from a date. Is dating for you a prelude to marriage? If so, what is the age at which you would wish to be wed? Is it right after high school or college? Is it somewhere far off in the future? Or maybe you view dating as simply an enjoyable way to spend an evening. You might even wish to remain single—at least for the foreseeable future. In any case, to what degree do you think sexual relations should enter the picture? Are they something that may be consummated before marriage, or something that should wait until only afterwards? What are your moral, religious and philosophical beliefs about such matters? No answer is necessarily wrong, but only once you have reached the level of knowledge, maturity and independence that you can make intelligent decisions about such matters. Then you will realize that many people have sex at an early age and regret it later, and that the only "safe" sex is, as one surgeon general put it, "with an uninfected, mutually faithful partner." Only after you have known somebody for quite some time can you make truly reliable judgments about such matters. Some people feel that dating is merely for winning sexual gratification, a belief that is incorrect, but widespread. It is possible for a man and a woman to enjoy each other's company without considering either sexual relations or marriage, but in this case their relationship will eventually be termed a "friendship" rather than a "romance." In any event, it is important that you have a clear idea of where you stand on these issues before you begin dating. Choosing as dates those who have compatible goals and desires can save the two of you much misunderstanding and disappointment later on. 4) CHILDREN & SHYNESS 4.1) How can I keep my children from becoming shy? Shyness in very young children is very common. It does not become a problem until the child wants or needs to interact with others but doesn't know how to. One cause of shyness is having parents who don't encourage their children to speak—or maybe even discourage them from doing so. The old adage "Children should be seen and not heard" may have been the cause of many a case of adult shyness. Parents and other guardians who show little interest in what their children have to say may deprive those children of the opportunity of learning how to express themselves effectively. Therefore, show an interest in what your children have to say. LISTEN to them, and encourage them to talk. Don't interrupt or finish their sentences for them. Don't be patronizing or too quick to correct their opinions or to disagree with them. Encourage them to join clubs and organizations and be willing to drive them to meetings. 5) QUESTIONS ABOUT ALT.SUPPORT.SHYNESS 5.1) What is this newsgroup all about? For the discussion of any issue relating to shyness and how to overcome it. 5.2) What percentage of males vs) females post to a.s.s.? The majority of posters seems to be males, but this is most likely due to the fact that still more males than females currently use the Internet. 5.3) Why are some concerns of shyness over-represented on this newsgroup and others under-represented? > I have been eavesdropping on this newsgroup for a > couple of months now. The title support.shyness drew me > in because I was looking for other shy people to talk > to on the net. I am very disappointed. It seems like > this group is: > > 1) mostly men complaining that they can't find > "attractive women" > 2) constantly analyzing the injustice of life and > dating > 3) rather immoral (i.e. obsessed about pre-marital sex) > > There is more to life than sex and dating. What about > the real problems of making friends, surviving at work, > maintaining family ties? In any group of people, you will have what is known as a "bell curve"; that is, a relatively small number of people at the ends (or extremes) of the curve and the greatest number of people in the middle. In the case of shyness, a relatively small number of people will fall into the one extreme of "hardly ever shy" and the other extreme of "constantly" or "morbidly" shy. In the middle, giving the curve its "bell shape," you will find the majority of people fall into the category of "occasionally shy" or "situationally shy." Since most people, if they have any shyness at all, will find that their shyness comes out when with the opposite sex, this explains the emphasis on alt.support.shyness on this subject. This does not mean, however, that people with more severe cases of shyness are not welcome on a.s.s. No matter what your degree of shyness, you can be sure that other people on a.s.s share your problems. 5.4) How long has alt.support.shyness been in existence? According to the "Usenet History Wumpus" (an alt.support.shyness poster) the control message to create alt.support.shyness was sent on Monday, 18-Apr-1994 by Dave DeLaney of the University of Tennessee at Knoxville Physics Department. This makes a.s.s. a relatively new group--Usenet itself started back in 1979 at the University of North Carolina. If you seem to recall reading a.s.s. longer than this, it could be that you have it confused with another, similar group. 5.5) What are some of the abbreviations used on alt.support.shyness? LJBF: When one member of a relationship (usually the woman) says "Let's Just Be Friends," rather than wanting a romantic relationship. Can also be used as a verb: "I was LJBF'd today." I don't know any other common abbreviations used on a.s.s. Are there any? I welcome information on this subject. 5.6) What is proper "netiquette" for posting to alt.support.shyness? 1. Remember that a.s.s. is a support group and that flames are inappropriate and frowned upon. Address the points a person makes--do not attack the individual. 2. Keep quoted material to a minimum. Do not quote a 50-line post only to add a one or two-line comment. Extract the one or two sentences that embody the gist of the post you are responding to. A good rule of thumb: if what you are quoting is longer than what you are typing yourself, you are quoting too much. Quoting signatures or headers is also unnecessary. 3. As on any newsgroup or discussion forum, do NOT ask for emailed replies to posted questions. This implies that you want others to go to the trouble to answer your question, but you don't want to go to the small amount of trouble to check back for replies. It also ends the discussion and deprives other interested people of seeing the answers. 4. Try to use descriptive subject lines, so readers can decide whether they are interested in a particular message before opening it. The following subject lines are not very specific and therefore, are not very helpful: Shy people Can you explain this? Please! I've been wondering... These subject lines are definitely more descriptive and therefore better: Help! I can't talk to women! Eye-contact and self-consciousness Is a girl with a pierced tongue for me? _____________________________________________________________ 6) ON THE WEB 6.1) What shyness resources are on the Web? I add this section with some trepidation because of the impermanence of URLs and a fear of having to constantly update this FAQ. However, following are a few notable websites, in addition to the ones mentioned elsewhere in this FAQ: An expanded version of this FAQ is at: http://members.aol.com/cybernettr/shyness.html A site which gives a more philosophical view of shyness can be found at: http://www.shyandfree.com Gordon Irlam's web page "Resources for Shy people" has articles, postings from alt.support.shyness and more links: (http://www.base.com/shy/ _____________________________________________________________ 7) RECOMMENDED READING (BOOKS) What are the best books to read on the subject of shyness? Here are just a few of them, with short descriptions and arranged by subject. 7.1 Shyness Aron, Elaine, PH.D The Highly Sensitive Person 1996; Possessing this trait can make life challenging at times, says the author, but she says that being sensitive is not a psychological disorder or a personality flaw to get rid of. The sensitivity trait is merely a part of an individual's personality. The Highly Sensitive Person is less self-help and more self-acceptance Cheek, Johnathan Conquering Shyness; The Battle Anyone Can Win 1989; G. P. Putnam's Sons Gives good, basic advice on overcoming the problem of shyness. Especially enlightening is the chapter on shy people's difficulties in finding a job, and what they can do about it. Phillips, Gerald M. Help For Shy People 1981, Prentice Hall, Inc. Enlightening. Explodes some of the many myths surrounding the problem of shyness. Recommended. Wassmer, Arthur C. Making Contact; A Guide to Overcoming Shyness, Making New Relationships and Keeping Those You Already Have 1978; Dial Press While this book doesn't speak to the genetic component of shyness, it is one of the first books on shyness to emphasize the importance of positive imaging, and gives a lot of helpful tips in addition. Zimbardo, Phillip J., Shyness; What it is, What to Do About it 1977; Addison Wesley Publishing Co. This groundbreaking book was the result of five years' of scientific research, the experiences of 5,000 people and the techniques used in the Stanford Shyness Clinic, founded by the author. Recommended. -----Winning Over Shyness (audiotape) 1983; Listen and Learn USA! A discussion with Dr. Zimbardo on the consequences of shyness, and what to do about it. 7.2 Assertiveness Alberti, Robert E. and Michael L. Emmons Stand UP, Speak Out, Talk Back! The Key to Self- Assertive Behavior 1970; Impact Publishers Generally good advice by two psychologists on the how-to's of developing assertive behavior. Carter, Jay Nasty People; How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them 1979; Contemporary Books Gives a good description of the problem of difficult people and how to deal with them.. Collins, Pat How to Be a Really Nice Person; Doing the Right Thing-- Your Way 1983, M. Evans & Co. Highly recommended. Maybe this book should be titled, How to Be a Really Nice Person--Without Letting Other People Walk All Over You! Contains advice on avoiding nosy questions, changing friendships, dealing with constant borrowers, and much more. An excellent book. Dyer, Wayne W. Pulling Your Own Strings 1978; Thomas Y. Crowell Frank-talking book on the myriad ways we are victimized by society and each other, and what we can do about it. Recommended! Elgin, Suzette Haden The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense 1980; Prentice Hall, Inc. Although most verbal slights don't fall into any of the eight categories covered in this book, the basic principles you learn here can be applied to other situations. Especially interesting are the first eleven chapters. Simon, Sidney B. Negative Criticism, and What You Can Do About It 1978; Argus Communications A book that makes the excellent point that criticism is not only something that we shouldn't dish out, but something that we shouldn't always listen to, either. Zgourides, George Don't let them Psych You Out! 1993; Loompanics Unlimited A worthwhile book. Tells how to handle some truly nasty verbal attacks as well as the common day-to-day assertiveness-demanding situations. 7.3 Job Hunting Bolles, Richard Nelson What Color is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual For Job-Hunters and Career-Changers 1981; Ten-Speed Press (updated annually) A lot of the the tips in this book are best suited to students (who have the luxury of a lot of time for the "informational interviews" advocated by this book to help them decide on the right career path). Still, this book gives information that will be useful for every body, no matter what stage of the job hunt they are in. For those who are still in school, it should be not just recommended reading--but required. Rosaluk, Warren J. Throw Away Your Resume and Get That Job! 1983; Prentice Hall, Inc. Using the techniques outlined in this book will take quite a good deal of mettle (which may be the reason many people don't use them) but they are bound to be far more effective than the traditional, resume-cen tered approach to job hunting. 7.4 Conversation Carnegie, Dale How to Win Friends and Influence People 1936; Simon and Schuster There have been many authors who have laid down the basic techniques of getting people to like you since Carnegie (and there were a few who did so BEFORE Carnegie) but none did so as memorably--or as entertainingly--as Carnegie himself. Unfortunately, some of the people who most need to read this book (and I'm not talking about "shy" people here) never will. Gabor, Don How To Start a Conversation and Make Friends 1983; Fireside Books A good guidebook on the fundamentals of conversation. This has been released in both book and cassette form, but the book is more comprehensive. Schneider, Meg F. Help! I Can't Think of a Thing to Say 1987; Field Publications Contains excellent advice on the art of conversation for young people. 7.5 Dating Edwards, Marie & Hoover, Eleanor The Challenge of Being Single 1974; Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc. Contrary to what the title might lead you to believe, this is not a book about finding a mate. Rather, it is a celebration of singlehood, a reminder that "getting married is something one chooses to do or not to do, not something one must do in order to lead a complete life." Recommended. Seigel, Barbara & Scott How to Date With Confidence 1985; Archway Paperback Answers just about every question anybody could have about the psychology and how-to of dating. Highly recommended. 7.6 General Self-help Ellis, Albert Ph.D. 1988; Lyle Stuart How to Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything...Yes ANYTHING! Describes how we make ourselves unhappy through our thinking patterns and how to change them.There is a website devoted to Ellis' Rational Emotive Therapy (Albert Ellis Ph.D. Institute, http://www.rebt.org) Fast, Julius Body Language 1970; M. Evans & Co. Reveals just how much people can tell about us through the remarkably subtle signals we send out through our bodies. Lorayne, Harry Remembering People; The Key to Success 1975; Stein & Day While the techniques outlined in this book don't work as well for most people as they do for the book's author (who is a natural and can remember hundreds of names at a time), with the appropriate applied effort, they will improve anybody's memory to a noticeable degree. Maltz, Maxwell Psycho-Cybernetics; A New technique for Using Your Subconscious Power 1960; Prentice Hall, Inc. Good advice for straightening out your thinking. Dr. Maltz wrote a whole shelf full of books based on his Cybernetics principles. ____________________________________________________ DISCLAIMER: Though it shouldn't be, it seems necessary to state the obvious these days: This article is provided as is without any express or implied warranties. While every effort has been taken to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this article, the author assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein. This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice and/or counseling. ____________________________________________________ Entire contents copyright (c) 1998 by Timothy M. Arends. All rights reserved. This FAQ may be posted to any USENET newsgroup, on-line service, or BBS as long as it is posted in its entirety, unedited, and includes this copyright statement. This FAQ may not be distributed for financial gain. 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